I'm Back

I am back at an un precedented time in history a state edict confined to our homes. Censored on social media. Churches are closed and targeted. Elderly are isolated and afraid.

As I prayed this morning I sense the LORD saying now is not the time to be silent or to shrink back in fear.Now is not a time to sell out our inheritance for temporal comfort and for the leeks and garlic of Egypt. Now is not a time to sit in silent agreement with this world. The things of this world are as stubble. The fire will consume them.
Do not fear! The Father is not pouring out his wrath on those who love him. He protects His children in the face of tyranny and captivity! Enoch was taken. God would have spared Sodom if even one righteous man could be found there. Noah made the ark. He sent Moses to deliver Israel and parted the Red Sea! The Lord grieves with us in the face of our sufferings. He is not unconcerned. Now is a time to speak out what Jesus has done on the cross. People of God look up!! Our deliverance is hand!

Mark 16:15
And He said to them, "Go into all the world and preach the gospel to every creature.
Jeremiah 5:1
Go up and down the streets of Jerusalem. Look now and take note; search her squares. If you can find a single person, anyone who acts justly, anyone who seeks the truth, then I will forgive the city.
Psalm 81:10
I am the LORD your God, who brought you up out of Egypt. Open wide your mouth, and I will fill it.

Goodbye 2013

Acts 1:11 "Men of Galilee," they said, "why do you stand here looking into the sky? This same Jesus , who has been taken from you into heaven, will come back in the same way you have seen him go into heaven."


Well, another year comes to a close without you Mom. I'm missing you so much. I'm facing some difficult things and I wish I could call you and talk like we used to. I remember the last few years you always hesitated and wanted to stay on the line when we would start to hang up. We usually would end up talking more but sometimes we didn't.   Dad was here. He doesn't say much but I know he is heart broken and mine is too because I can't fix this. I know we really have drawn closer  and Mom, we're taking care of Dad. I know that would make you happy. I guess my grief is hitting me because another year goes by. I know in my heart you had to leave and you are with the LORD. I have hope I will see you again. Happy New Year Mom.

Angry

Sleep eludes me. I'm surprised at that after over a year, the intensity of the anger I feel at the loss of my mother. I know she suffered in silence for a long time, largely, for our sake. I struggle with reconciling the unquestionable love we had with the fact that she hid this from us and refused to see a doctor for so long, robbing us of any chance of her receiving help. Of me being able to help make her more comfortable. The idea of her suffering and carrying this by herself broke my heart. The guilt and pain was crushing, almost unbearable in the beginning. We initially did not even know the cause of her death and there had to be an autopsy.  I guess I am still working through my feelings about all of this. I know this was never her intent for herself or any of us, but I was totally unprepared for her sudden passing. To find unmistakable signs she absolutely knew her time was short and kept it from us.  To know she had wanted to live,but at some point concluded she would not be able to overcome. And I was not able to share in that, to offer comfort or make things easier for her. To say goodbye. The last visit and phone conversations we had I had no idea it would be the last. I know some of these feelings aren't rational on my part, but still I have them. I am angry how this happened and Mom I forgive you, but forgiving myself is harder than I could ever have imagined.  The gaping wound in my heart is still healing, well at least growing scar tissue.  I know I will never be the same and yet I know from this I have grown as a person and will be able to help others.

Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. 
Lamentations 3:22 NIV 

I'm Free

This is the poem from my grandmother's memorial service.  I hope it gives a measure of comfort as it did for me.  Mom, you're finally back with Grandma and Josephine (my great grandmother). Dear God watch over them until we meet again.

                                                                     I'm Free
Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free.
I'm following the path God laid for me,
I took His hand when I heard him call
I turned my back and left it all.

I could not stay another day
To laugh, to love, to work or play,
Tasks left undone must stay that way
I found that place at close of day.

If my parting has left a void
Then fill it with remembered joy,
A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss,
Ah yes, these things, I too, will miss.

Be not burdened with time of sorrow
I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow
My life's been full, I savored much,
Good friends, good times, a loved one's touch.

Perhaps my time seemed all too brief,
Don't lengthen it now with undue grief.
Lift up your heart and share with me
God wanted me now, He set me free.

~ Author Unknown

It's Been A Long Time

A bruised reed He will not break, a smoldering wick he will not snuff out. In faithfulness He will bring forth justice. Isaiah 42:3

It's been a long time. I've had a very emotional time since we marked the 1 year anniversary of Mom's passing. Dad found a urn for Mom and a matching mini urn for me. Dad and my uncle are in Pennsylvania now to bury Mom next to my Grandma, who passed in 1999. I never would have thought I'd want to have an urn for Mom at home. Well, not until she left me. While I know she is with the LORD and is free from her earthly suffering, it is still hard for me to know she will be laid to rest so far from here. I really felt the need to have a part of her with me in remembrance. It's just another finality that my soul has needed time to come to terms with. I understand how Mom felt now and why it is good for her to be near her own mother. More important to me than any physical marker is the memory of her I carry in and out through my heart each day as I live this precious life she gave to me.  In less than 2 weeks is what would have been your 71st birthday. I see your smile in my son and feel your love and understanding in the smell of my morning coffee. I hear your voice in the sound of the wind rushing through the trees in their Fall glory. I love you Mom.

It's Been One Year

A simple poem as we mark one year since your passing. Mom left her earthly body August 28, 2012 and we said goodbye August 30, 2012.  Mom, we love and miss you  so much.

I can't believe it's been one year.
One year ago today.
One year of missing you,
of wishing you could have stayed.
The days turns into weeks, the weeks turn into years.
I'm learning to go on without you,
but my pillow knows my tears.
Oh how I long to see your face again,
to spend just one more day.
I treasure the time we had more than words alone can say.

My Mother

Her children rise up and call her blessed....Proverbs 31:28


This is the eulogy I wrote for my beloved mother.

To tell you the truth I had a hard time putting what my mom has meant to me into writing.  How can I confine a lifetime of such selfless love and devotion to her family to a piece of paper?  My mom is part of me, she is the one who showed me what love really is, what it means to be a wife, mother, sister and a friend. What it means to love and be loved.
We shared so much together as a family, but also as mother and daughter we shared the simple things. Things like shopping, lunches, school activities, trips to the ocean, all centered on her love and dreams for us. She was our biggest cheerleader.
One word that comes to mind is "fierce". My mother was fiercely loyal and she cared about anything we cared about. One of my friends from 35 years ago, who was without her mom at the time and spent the night with us, still remembers her kindness and the pancakes she made for us for breakfast.Her love and devotion has touched many lives.
I will cherish our memories and will honor her love and life by carrying her spirit in my heart as I live the life she gave to me to the fullest, sharing the beauty of her memory always.